Today (Thursday 7 April, 2016), I went to see my gynae, Prof Su Lin Lin, for the first time. I had fasted 12 hours before in order to do my glucose test. We watched Batman vs Superman in the evening before (will post about that in another post). It was 9am and we walked into the Women’s Clinic at the Ruby Clinic in NUH Kent Ridge Wing. We sat down, the ambiance and decor there was so much more grander than clinic G. My husband and I waited for my turn at the registration.
When our turn came up, we sat down, they told us about the generics gave us the brochures and talked briefly about the package we could sign up at when we reached 22 weeks. My husband jokes about going back to the subsidised clinic. The nurse gave me a pee stick, I went into the bathroom did my thing and came back out. She then informed me my doctor had moved to the Sapphire clinic in fetal care. She said we didn’t have to come back to the Ruby Clinic upon on future check up. *behold my face of disappointment* Sapphire clinic although not ask bad as G Clinic but was no Ruby Clinic. Well, we felt, what a downgrade, and we were paying for premium (or so our egos thought).
By now it was already 9:30am, my husband asked when was I going to do my blood test. The nurse said, the blood test would be done once now and another two hours later and asked whether I could wait. We said, we would wait because I doubt we wanted to fast again for it. The nurse also said we should probably do it after we see the doctor.So, we said “sure.”
Now, it was our turn to see the doctor. Our doctor was quite brief, I didn’t really get to know much about her personality or character from our interaction. To say the least, I was kind of disappointed. She wasn’t as warm as others say she is maybe I was expecting her to lead the conversation to make me feel comfortable, but she was always waiting for me to ask questions.
So, lets get down to the ultra sound. The nurse ushered me over to the screening table. The doctor came and brush the stick onto my belly. We saw the baby.
Then my curiosity got the better of me. I asked, what is my baby’s gender.
The doctor very confidently told me, it’s a boy.
Then she brushed it to the picture above.
At that moment, my mood started to collapse in on me.
I did not want to engage any further, my conversation with the doctor was brief. I just wanted to be out of that room.
We went and did my blood test, the nurse gave me and orange sweet acidic drink that she said I had to finish within 10 minutes. It was the worst drink I had at the end of it I wanted to vomit. (Don’t vomit, otherwise you need to redo the test and two hours wait again) She told me to come back in two hours for another sample of blood.
Me and my husband then proceeded to walk to the canteen. I started to break down and cry.
He didn’t know how to consul me, so he hugged me. I didn’t know my desire for a girl was so strong.
I had lost my mother at 21, I was hoping the baby would be a girl, perhaps my mother reincarnated. I wanted to care for her so much. Perhaps, I wanted to make up for the lost opportunity to give back to my mother in the form of my daughter. I wanted to bring her up the way my mother had and spend quality time with her like with my mother. I was grieving my loss. (I am perhaps still grieving my loss for my mom.)
The next set of emotions was guilt towards my unborn child. My baby had no crime for being born into a gender that was not my desire. I should love him or her no matter what. I hope I will love him unconditionally but at this moment mommy is sorry. She is so sorry she feels this way at this moment.
I posted an anonymous question on Facebook just to vent out. Some mommy commented about just be happy that your child is healthy, some women can’t even conceive. I know, I know, I am thankful but I just want to get my feeling acknowledged without feeling censured, guilt-tripped or beleaguered.
Please forgive me my child. I am worried I won’t know how to raise a boy, but I will love you, I promise. I want to write about this now, so, that I know I need to try very hard. I also don’t want to get in to a depressive funk when you arrive, because those first few months are crucial and I need to be present for you. I want to love you regardless of gender. Please be healthy and grow up to be a kind gentlemen. When you do, I will know I have done a good job and that I have loved you the correct way.
To my son, mommy is sorry she is so upset at this moment. You might be feeling this emotion right now because I am crying, but know I love you.